fiction

Move Over Mrs. Lincoln

crackersI’m not sure where I got the idea in my head, but for a long time I was convinced that one of the central conflicts in the Lincoln marriage was that President Lincoln would become most agitated when Mrs. Lincoln ate crackers in bed.

It’s perfectly understandable that it would irritate him, as I have experienced bedsheets that contain cracker crumbs, and it’s no bed of roses. Although roses with thorns could be potentially worse than the cracker crumbs.

Anywho, if you’re a President trying to keep the Union intact and you climb into bed with a cracker eater, there is bound to be some friction.

abe lincolnMrs. L.: Good evening Mr. President. How was your day?

Mr. P.: I was sorely tested by my fractious cabinet and General McClellan still gives me heartburn, but other than that it wasn’t too bad. How was your day?

Mrs. L.: Still trying to clean up the mess Buchanan left, but it’s coming together.

Mr. P.: Say, those look like cracker crumbs there on the sheets. Have you been eating crackers in bed again?

Mrs. L.: I can not lie to you Mr. President. Yes, yes, I have been eating crackers in bed. I know you have told me time after time not to do it, but I cannot help myself in these matters. The pull of the salty biscuits mary todd lincoln is just too strong for me to resist.

Mr. P.: Mrs. Lincoln, I cannot abide a bedtime cracker eater, nor lie beside one. You have left me no choice. Four score and seven minutes ago, all I could think about was joining you in this warm bed. Now we are engaged in a civil war testing us to see if our marital bed will be crumbed or crumbless. We cannot hallow this bed. The world will little note or long remember what I say here tonight, but it is my duty to see that these crumbs of the people, for the people and by the people shall perish from the sheets.

Mrs. L.: Don’t you think you’re being a little overly dramatic. I’m the one who everyone says is a little high strung. Why don’t you scooch in here and I’ll give you the other half of this ham sandwich I’ve been saving for you.

Mr. P.: Move over Mrs. Lincoln. You have saved the Union. Mmmm, this deli mustard really does make a difference.

Jay Harrison is a graphic designer and writer whose work can be seen at DesignConcept. He's written a mystery novel, which therefore makes him a pre-published author.

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